Checkers Fries Spice Up Your Life

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"Never mind. I don't want to go" she said.

"What!?!?" My little heart sighed with sadness.

We kept driving.....(2 minutes pass)

Suddenly the silence is broken......."Ok never mind....I want Checkers fries."

Victory.

Luckily I was planning she would change her mind so I orchestrated our route to align us with a nearby Checkers.

I hadn't had Checkers fries in YEARS. As a young plump child I often found myself along with my brother stopping by our local Checkers on Sunday afternoons to get double cheeseburgers and those amazing, spicy, flavorful fries.

In high school I was blessed enough to have a Checkers conveniently across the street - again another opportunity to fulfill my Checkers fries obsession.

The twin drive thru option always enticed me. It makes complete sense for a busy fast food joint to do this. What Checkers neglected to understand before building two drive thru's was that most of America is right handed - therefore they are going to the right side of the drive through anyway.

To conceal and protect the identity of the female I was with, I also selected the right side drive thru lane so that I would be the poster fat child getting his fix at Checkers in the middle of the afternoon.

It's like sensory overload when reading the Checkers drive thru menu. Everything is marked to basically free. Not to mention they have 3,281 choices of menu items. However after a few moments of reading over I managed to find what I was looking for: Fries. Size? Small. Cost? $1.07.

Boo ya.

She sat next to me with anticipation as I placed our order for one small fry. We were the only ones at Checkers and for some unknown reasons I felt the wise employees knew what we were up to. At the window I paid and the cashier glanced at me with a knowing look in her eyes.

Meanwhile the woman I am with has a sweatshirt over her head so she can never be identified.

We watch as the 5 bored employees get our fries - hand off - bag our fries - hand off - put napkins in the bag - hand off and finally deliver to us.

We pull away quickly hoping no one saw us.

She opens the bag. The rich spicy aroma of Checkers seasoning moves through the air in the car. Breathe deep....aaaah. That smells fattening and delicious.

Once the smell hit the air the battle began. I was driving so I had little advantage in getting my hand in the bag quickly without getting attacked.

"Get your hand out of the bag. We only got a small.....this was my idea," she said.

Luckily she was kind enough to hand me one or two. However for a "small" fry our portion was fairly big.

I bite in - crunch, crunch.....soft....... spicy. That's good.

Checkers has designed a fry that no one else can compare to. It's not even a standard french fry. There is nothing golden or "crisp" about it. It's dark brown, full flavored, crunchy on the outside, soft on the inside. Their fries cannot be beat.

About two miles down the road our Checkers fry fantasy splurge ended. She wrapped up the bag, set it on the floor of the car and looked at me deep in the eyes and said...

"You can't blog about this."

For the protection of all parties involved the "she" in this blog story will not be identified.

Fast Food Splurge

"Don't tell a soul."

Is how she started the conversation.

I responded, "About what?"

She continued.

"You can't blog about this."

I get a little excited, "Blog about what!"

She lowers her voice........"I want Checkers fries."

To be continued.

Trash Can Salad

Disclaimer: The following series of events are true. No part of this story is fictional, exaggerated or made up for the entertainment or enlightenment of the reader.

If you are a frequent reader you may be aware of my unusual obsession with Chick-Fil-A. Their strips, milk shakes, Ice Dream and Waffle Fries are truly outstanding. Their service usually exceeds expectations and their restrooms are remarkable.

However sometimes the unexpected happens and tonight it happened.

I got home from work promptly at 7:04pm, in time to watch TMZ and was greeted by my lovely wife who told me we had to run out to Chick-Fil-A later to return a brown, nasty side salad that she had received earlier today when picking up lunch.

My wife, her mother and her sisters are at Chick-Fil-A every day of the week. They dive thru every morning to get iced teas, 3-4 days a week they eat lunch there and usually every night my wife and I get Ice Dream. A short mathematical equation can sum up our combined total spending to roughly: $99.78 in Chick-Fil-A a week. (For a breakdown of this equation email me at danielrholm@gmail.com)

Let's just say we spend $100 a week combined every week of the year. That's $5,200 we are giving Chick-Fil-A every year. I would say we are fairly important customers. As you can imagine the Chick-Fil-A employees at our Chick-Fil-A also know exactly who we are. They knew my wife was pregnant, they knew when we had the baby and they know every member of our family.

On with the story.

The salad my wife got at lunch was definitely not up to Chick-Fil-A's standards. It was browning, and old looking. Knowing that Chick-Fil-A provides outstanding service and also knowing that I was going out to get Ice Dream anyway I didn't think it would be a problem to take the salad with me to show Chick-Fil-A what we were served earlier today.

I opt for walking in as going in the drive thru was bound to be unsuccessful. I walk in and I'm greeted by a delightful Chick-Fil-A employee. I am the only one at the front counter so I take a moment to explain my story, "Hi, my wife was here earlier today and she got this salad, she took it home to eat it and pulled it out of the bag and realized that it was brown...."

Suddenly out of no where I am rudely cut off by Rick, The Night Manager.

"Sir, we can take care of it this time, however next time we request that you call."

The pleasant Chick-Fil-A employee promptly goes to get me a new fresh salad.

I respond, "Ok that's fine, it's just she was just here today and was already home so she wanted to bring it back tonight."

The Night Manager: "I understand, however we make our salads fresh every Monday morning (only on Mondays?) and we don't know where you got this salad. You could have had it for a couple of days or picked it out of the trash."

OK - WHAT?

Now I'm a salad trash picker? This Night Manager, who knows our family and is also well aware of our weekly spending is accusing me of going through the trash to get a free salad!?!?

I say, "Ok.....but you know my wife. She has curly hair, she was here earlier today for lunch you saw her. We got this salad today."

"I'm sorry sir, next time we simply request that you call first."

Disgruntled, annoyed and irritated I take my "replacement" salad back out to the car to greet my wife. I tell her what happened and that The Night Manager treated me poorly and accused me of being a salad trash picker.

My wife, as you may know, got a little furious. She said, "What! They know who we are, we were here FOUR times today!" Flames fuming from her ears she grabbed the salad and walked back in to Chick-Fil-A. I (a defeated husband) sat with the baby in the car.

I don't know what happened inside, however I was fearful that heads were going to roll.

About 3 minutes later she came back out to the car and told me that Rick, The Night Manager gave her the exact same speech. He knew who she was, but told her that "next time" she needs to call in first. (Why is there going to be a "next time"?) My wife, baffled asked The Night Manager why she would bother calling in, how would that benefit her? He explained that he could then go and make sure they weren't make any more bad salads. He continued to say that now they don't know where that salad came from, it's possible she picked it out of the trash.

AGAIN with the trash picking accusations!

Why are we fighting so much with Chick-Fil-A over a silly side salad! We're being doubted, accused of picking out of the trash AND my wife was already there 4 times today!

When you get down to it, this is not about the side salad. It's more about the complete and utter (no pun intended) disappointment I have with Chick-Fil-A. After I have lifted them up so high on this blog tonight they may have shattered it all.

They are known for their service and quality food. Today's experience goes against everything they stand for. A small issue turned big over neglect and poor judgment from a shift manager.

As customers, we're not only interested in getting something for free. All we want is for someone to care and to treat us right.

One thing is for sure, next time we're in the mood for a brown salad we will skip Chick-Fil-A and just head straight to the dumpster.

Angry Mob of 16 and a Half

No one likes big parties in restaurants.

It begins with the initial call ahead to the restaurant letting them know you are coming. You may say something like, "We have a party of 16 and half coming in around 7, will you have seating?"

Before the host you're speaking with even says anything you can hear the disappointment and rage building up. Restaurant's hate big parties. She might mumble something in a noncommittal way like, "oh ya we probably will have something.....I'll let the manager know." - Her first attempt to make you feel guilty about coming in. Don't you realize that you are messing up her seating chart and throwing the rotation off for the entire night!?!? How dare you even consider coming to a restaurant with a party larger than 4!

When I used to host I was always irritated when people would tell me, "Oh we have a party of 4......and a half!" What do you think it's cute that you have a half or should I say child that I now have to set a special seat up for and get coloring books and place mats so your kid can stay occupied long enough to not scream and drive everyone else out of the restaurant?

Now I have a half (just 5 weeks old) and I make a point to always tell the host that I have a half.

Ah Ha!

I suppose now would be a good time to mention that the party of 16 and a half at the beginning of this story was actually my wife's entire family and I out to eat earlier this week. We arrive and much to our dismay realize immediately that there is a party of 20 sitting in our spot.

This is completely out of the restaurant's control, however it is still irritating. They can't control the fact that a party of 20 elderly women have been sitting in an entire section of the restaurant for 2 hours.

Hence the fundamental problem with large parties - you can't have more than one at a time. As you can imagine the 16 and a half of us crowd the waiting area and start giving the party of 20 elderly women looks of complete loathing begging them with our eyes to get up. The bad news is they had camp set up and even though they were all done with their food there were no apparent signs that they had any intentions of moving. Drinks were out, purses were hanging off chairs and the conversation was lively.

Meanwhile back in the waiting area, our party of 16 and a half is jammed like sardines in a little corner trying to avoid taking over the entire front waiting area. The host offers us a drink (which I also know she wasn't thrilled about, hosts only want to do one thing: stand at their stand).

Time continues to tick by and then the worse happens when our "dinner" conversation turns in to our "waiting" conversation. You know what this is - it's like going on a date and having the entire good conversation in the car on the way there. You get to the restaurant and suddenly realize that you have nothing good to talk about.

After 30 minutes I started getting irrational and I moved in closer to the party of 20 to try and lure them away from the tables. I wasn't alone. The annoyed servers and busser tub ready bus boys were standing near by waiting to pounce on the table the second a chair got pushed back or a purse picked up.

Another reason restaurants hate big parties: The servers are in hell. First it throws their entire night off. Instead of just having their normal three - four table section they now are sharing one big party with another server. Which means if they have another table it gets neglected. Then, they have to some how carry 15-20 drinks all at one time out to the large party (I used to hate carrying drinks on tray) oh and by the way when they are filling up 15-20 drinks in the back the whole restaurant gets backed up because they are hogging the drink fountain. Finally, it takes forever. Even after you cut the party off it takes forever.

I continue to hover near the large party of 20 trying to let them know that 16 and a half angry people are standing behind them waiting for their giant table. Finally, 40 minutes later like domino's it starts happening. One woman gets up and slowly (it really was slow) they all start getting up.

I made a vital mistake.

I was holding our adorable, tiny, smelling baby like daughter in my arms. I was also standing on the outskirts of the waiting area near the large party. In a matter of moments I became a destination for every elderly women from the party to walk by and offer their comments about how cute she is. I know she is cute - get out of the restaurant.

One woman in particular came over and started getting a little too close. She commented and then didn't walk away. She reached her hand out and in a moment of insanity I turned around and walked back in to our party of 16 and a half. However, she followed.

She was still talking to me so I turned around holding my daughter very tightly and she reached out ever so slowly and touched her foot. (Don't worry she had protection on: socks). Ok that was a touch, but it wasn't too uncomfortable. In my head I was thinking, ok you had your fix move on.

She didn't stop though. Her hand started coming back at me again and since both of my hands were tied trying to protect my daughter I started blowing on her like a maniac and twisting to the right. The hand kept coming and before I knew it was on my daughter's back and then slid down to her hand!! I pulled my daughter's legs and hands in closer and said, "OK, that's enough."

I really don't mind if people want to touch our baby, however this woman smelt like smoke and alcohol and I don't really think she should have been holding her hand. My wife like supermom pulled out the hand sanitizer and we all took a bath in it.

While this episode was happening the restaurant staff managed to clear the table and turn it over for us. Now they weren't the only one's who were angry. We called ahead, waited 40 minutes, had to watch a giant party take forever and then were attacked on the way out.

Our party of 16 and a half had turned into an angry mob of 16 and a half.

Ah, time for dinner.

Ruby Tuesday's Explosive Stunt

How do you reach people and make them come in to your restaurant?

There are a variety of things you can do: launch a new specials, come out with advertising, start a word of mouth marketing campaign, improve your service...............or you could blow your restaurant up.....err someone else's restaurant.



Ruby Tuesday has been desperately trying to launch a turn around strategy for their dying brand for over a year. First there were the new commercials, then a new menu, followed by a very enticing new tag line - 'Simple Fresh American Dining', finally the grand finale was the redesign of all of their locations.

About a week ago I got an email blast from Ruby Tuesday telling me that they were going to blow up their last "old" restaurant and that it could be watched live on their website. Ok this is cool. Blowing up anything is cool.

Today I went to RubyTuesday.com to watch the explosion and was greeted by an "apology" letter from their VP of Marketing to Cheeky's Bar and Grill, stating they were terribly sorry for blowing up their restaurant.

Right.....

After reading the letter, and then watching the video it occurred to me that there was no possibly way that Ruby Tuesday could be this ridiculously stupid. After a 2 second Google search it came to my attention that this "stunt" was Ruby Tuesday desperate attempt to get some attention. They even went to the extreme of creating a non working website for Cheeky's Bar and Grill promoting the fact that they got blew up. View the website here.

They thought it would be funny and entertaining if they accidentally blew up the wrong restaurant. I think it's funny that everyone knows this is a lame attempt to turn their business around.

They had my attention when they told me they were going to blow their own restaurant up. Instead of using my attention to their advantage and communicating something of value, instead Ruby Tuesday thought it would be a better use of their time to scam me in an attempt to get me to chuckle.

Let's lay this out on the table. In order to pull this "stunt" off they had to build a fake restaurant - or remodel one to look like the fake Cheeky's. A fake website was also built for Cheeky's. Then they had to spend advertising dollars to promote that they were blowing up their restaurant. They had to pay to have the fake restaurant blown up. Pay for a film crew and then pay again to promote the fact or "not" promote the fact that they blew the wrong restaurant up.

Hmmm. That sounds like a lot of work to get me to eat in your restaurant.

I know what Ruby Tuesday was thinking: if we do something weird, people will talk about it and hopefully come eat in our restaurant.

Well, I am talking about it but I'm not saying anything good. Oh, and I won't be eating in your restaurant.

UPDATE: Ruby Tuesday has uploaded a video of a behind the scenes look at how they executed the stunt. You can watch it here.

46 Reasons for Mellow Mushroom

Never heard of Mellow Mushroom?

Below are 46 reasons you need to go there now:

1. They have been around for 38 years - it has to be good.
2. Their pizza is possibly the best in the world.
3. Pizza crust is made from "spring water dough" and is coated in Parmesan cheese.
4. The crust melts in your mouth.
5. 35 different toppings.
6. Not just pizza.
7. They have Calzones too.
8. And homemade pretzels.
9. And hoagies
10. Happy Hour: $2 off draft beers.
11. Beers no one else has.
12. Two college students started it in Atlanta.
13. Guys from Atlanta make good pizza.
14. They have T-shirts.
15. I bought one. You can too. Here.
16. They play good music in the restaurant.
17. The servers know what they're doing.
18. The servers wear whatever they want.
19. The servers keep your drink full.
20. Free samples of beer if you can't decide.
21. Giant mushroom sculptures in the dining room.
22. The servers are allowed to have piercings - and no one cares.
23. The servers are clean, neat and organized.
24. Speaking of clean - the restaurant is clean.
25. The servers don't tell you no.
26. You feel good about spending money there.
27. Did I mention the amazing pizza? See number 3.
28. Meat lovers pizza is truly a meat lover pizza - they offer every meat on earth.
29. They were selected as one of the 10 best pizza's in Tampa.
30. They play Dave Matthews Band music.
31. Dave Matthews Band posters and paraphernalia are all over the restaurant.
32. The restaurant has a personality - so does everyone that works there.
33. There are no angry employees.
34. Have we talked about the Cheese Bread? Try the Cheese Bread.
35. They have an extensive, full blown beverage menu.
36. You can wear whatever you want.
37. The bathrooms are clean.
38. The crust - it's worth mentioning twice.
39. Beers are changed frequently.
40. Prices are moderate.
41. You get what you pay for.
42. The environment makes you want to sit there all day.
43. It's cool - and you're cool for being there.
44. The decor is psychedelic and it's awesome.
45. They have green olives (my wife likes green olives).
46. Every other pizza place is either Chicago, NY or Italian style. Mellow Mushroom's style is to bake the freshest most amazing pizza on earth.

I went last weekend and I'm going again on Friday.

It's that awesome. Find your closest Mellow Mushroom here.

Red Lobster's Robotic Service and Bland Food

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My mom grabbed the daily specials menu and ordered the Tilapia. The robot said, "It comes with 2 sides. What sides do you want?" She went for the salad and broccoli.

Then it was my brother's turn to order and since he had already upset the server robot with his outrageous demand for honey I could sense the tension in the air as she stared him down waiting for him to speak. He stumbled at first..I um, uh think, you eh ug pop shrimp poppy shrimp shrimp pop......Popcorn Shrimp! Her response: "Two sides?"

My brother, young and innocent explains he doesn't want two sides he only wants french fries. "It comes with two sides, what are your two sides?" My mom decided this was a good time to chime in, "Why don't you get a salad?" My brother knowing deep down somewhere that the salad probably tastes like lobster simply says he doesn't want a salad. Then things got ugly.

At the same moment the robot starts barking for what his other side will be and my mom is begging him to just get a salad because it will be good for him. He needs salad, he never eats salad, maybe he should just get a salad. My brother then starts getting red in the face and on the verge of tears proclaims - I'll have a salad!! House with ranch dressing! Whew. That was violent.

Then it was my wife's turn. The robot, not asking if she was ready just turned her head towards my wife and gave her a look that said - order now or die. My wife, looks deep into her gaze and says, "Lobster Pizza. No Lobster." The robot says nothing and looks to me.

Ok wait - what!? So far my mom and brother have almost been executed for ordering something off the menu. My wife orders an item that doesn't exist and the robot acts like nothing even happened!?!?

I decided on one of the specials they are featuring on TV: Hawaiian Isles Shrimp and Salmon. They had a giant full color menu with pictures of the three specials and after seeing the commercial and then looking at the menu insert it seemed like a tasty decision. Only one problem is that it comes with rice. I am not a huge rice fan (except at Chipotle) and rice with fish is especially odd. This seemed like a simple change.

Not really. I order and explain that I would like to substitute my rice for broccoli. Robot: I'm sorry it comes with rice. I understand, however I would like to trade my rice for broccoli. Robot: No sir, it comes with rice, it's on the plate like that. Hmmm ok...how else can I approach this...I'll try again. I hold up the menu insert that has a photo of the entree, using my visual aide I point and explain that I would like this entree with a baked potato and broccoli. Robot: No sir that is just a pretty picture to make the food look good, what two sides do you want.

Ok robot server. First I know that this is just a food shot to make your sick food look good and second, don't talk to me like I'm loosing my mind. Giving up I finally say. Ok, how can I not get rice on the plate? She says, oh I'll just ask them to not include rice. WHAT!??!!?

She moves on to my Dad who orders without any issue. Then we started waiting for our impending doom.

The food didn't all come out at once and like a slap in the face at my wife, her Non Lobster Pizza was the only entree missing. At most other restaurants they would try and wait for all the food to be ready to drop off, however all things considered this was the least of our worries. I didn't have rice on my plate but my salmon was placed directly on top of my broccoli as if it were rice. Is everything so streamlined and technical at this restaurant that even the chefs don't know how to properly plate up food? Why the heck would I want salmon soaking on top of broccoli? Just put the broccoli on the SIDE it is a SIDE item.

We started eating.....err some of us started eating. My coconut shrimp were pretty good. Not mind shattering, but good. However after two bites in to my salmon it suddenly occurred why so many elderly people eat at Red Lobster: the food is bland. I mean bland, boring, tasteless. It just tasted like plain salmon. I looked around the table and everyone's food looked the same. There was no spice, seasoning or any apparent culinary expertise.

My wife demanded I taste her pizza for lobster before she would even take a bite and my brother picked at his plate (he had already eaten 16 cheddar biscuits and choked down a warm house salad). Then my wife commented that my brother's popcorn shrimp looked more like deep fried goat pellets and he stopped eating completely.

We picked at our food (I ate most of mine out of guilt) and our robot returned shortly to clear our plates and offer us boxes. The night wasn't over yet as she wanted to know what dessert we wanted for my birthday. My dad held up the colored dessert menu with pictures and pointed and said, we will take one of the chocolate chip lava cakes. The robot, clearly unaware of his finger or voice explaining what we want, responded: "I'm sorry sir, what do you want?" My dad says the same thing over again and our robot responds: Sir, I don't know what you're talking about what dessert would you like? Finally, my dad holds the menu up towards her face and says, This one! This one!

The dessert comes out with about two singers plus the robot, "Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear...............(awkward silence)..........she whispers, 'what's your name?' uh, Dan.......Happy Birthday dear Dan, Happy Birthday to you!"

The service has been a technical disaster. She went through all of the motions with no personality, no heart and no passion. Our food came out correct, but after the service experience really didn't taste that good since we had to fight to order. It is my "birthday dinner" and since I know that Red Lobster should be so interested in making me feel special don't you think that she could have taken the time to ask me my name before she was half way through the song with an uncomfortable group of people in the restaurant watching!?!?

We picked around at the dessert, but really we just wanted to get out of there - and never return. My dad asked for the check, paid and we got up to leave. For some unknown reason as we walked through the front doors there were mobs of people waiting to get in for a taste of Red Lobster. I may never understand why.

We parted from my parents and as we got back in our car my wife looked at me and said, "What if we die tonight and our last meal was at Red Lobster?"